Personality disorder

February 1, 2025

Yesterday, I had the courage to say something plainly to others that felt complicated in my heart.

“I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this anymore”.

I was at a 12 step meeting for food addiction recovery. The same meeting I have been attending for years with the same people that I have come to know and love and trust. We speak of ourselves as fellow addicts, shipwrecked together on the same shore of food addiction. For over 20 years, I have been in 12 step recovery for this issue. But recently, it isn’t making sense anymore.

I felt like a heretic who was about to stand up and denounce the existence of gravity as I waited to be called on to share. I walked up to the front of the room, pushed my hands into my sweatshirt pocket, looked down at the threadbare carpet and sheepishly told the truth.

“I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this anymore. Years ago, I was in an inpatient facility for ‘psychiatric issues’. I told them I wanted to come off of the medications I had been on for years because they weren’t helping me and I thought they could actually be harming me and holding me back. The clinical director used this as a reason to explain to the whole clinical team that I had a personality disorder. The fact that I wanted to come off of my medication was proof that I had a personality disorder. I came off of those medications - on my own and in my own way. I slowly titrated off of them over the period of one year and I have never looked back. I built a whole lifestyle of wellness to support myself. My life has gotten increasingly better ever since coming off of those medications and losing the labels that went with them. This feels the same.”

I shuffled back to my seat, not looking anyone in the eye. As the meeting wrapped up, I anticipated the comments that I would receive and they came true.

“Claire, it’s a good thing you spoke up. We have to talk about these things. We can’t keep them to myself.”

“My friend left and she’s miserable. Can’t stop eating. She’s still out there floundering around. Everyone who leaves comes back.”

“Let’s talk this week, Claire.”

The worried look in their eyes. I could predict the programmed responses because I have said them over the years - both to others and to myself in my own head.

Sovereignty. Letting Go. Not Broken.

These are the themes that are brewing deep in my soul. To be continued.